In the Middle of the Work Day Try Not to Eat Like It's Your Last Day on Earth: Payday Edition

At this point in my life I've learned a few things which will undoubtedly help me continue my journey through life. Some of these lessons are rooted in personal experiences. Others I've learned from complete idiots/friends. For instance:

1. Aluminum foil doesn't belong in the microwave
2. Pay parking tickets. Meter maids don't forget and they will find you and boot your car
3. Don't hook up/get involved with someone you work with.
4. Carry a hankerchief when walking around humid-ass DC. Yeah, you take the risk of looking strange, but it's better than showing up to your destination looking like a cross between Whitney Houston in concert and that guy in your office who always has the huge pit stains (during Winter).
5. Just because it's payday doesn't mean you should gorge yourself at lunch and practically fall asleep at your desk.

This final lesson has really been hammered home as of today. I'm often guilty of going all-out every other Thursday to make up for the malnourishment from the previous week. I usually go from eating normal meals from places like Trader Joe's to eating peanut butter off a knife and drinking a ginger ale. To bounce back, I stuff my face.

This current habit precedes me by several years. At one point when I was 14 I went to the hospital because I swore I was having a heart attack. The summer before my freshman year of high school I worked at a summer camp with a bunch of my friends. It was the final week and we received our final paychecks of the summer. To celebrate we all went out to dinner and I decided to order practically everything off the far-right flap of the TGI Fridays menu. Hey, it was one of the last weeks of the summer and I was PAID!

Fast forward a few hours and I'm lying in bed feeling like someone just poured bleach down my throat. I told my mom and she said to take some Tums and go to bed. I did, and when I woke up the pain was still there. At this point, I was convinced I was having a heart attack/had a stroke and suggested I go to the emergency room before my parents no longer had a son. At the emergency room I was asked what I had eaten in the past 24 hours to which I listed:

Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: A turkey sandwich with chips
Dinner: A mint chocolate chip milkshake, supreme nachos, Jack Daniels glazed shrimp and steak and an ice cream sundae.

I was told that I had SEVERE heartburn and was sent home.

Today, as a result of a visit from the direct deposit fairy, I made the mistake of getting takeout from Bertucci's with coworkers. Later (i.e. now) I realize eating 5 pounds of Tortellini in cream sauce, a Caesar salad (just because it was $1.99) and two rolls (because you can't eat at Bertucci's and NOT eat one of their rolls) is not a good ideas especially if you're expected to be productive for the rest of the day. Needless to say I'm am currently feigning productivity and feel like I just ate Thanksgiving dinner.

However, to those who qualify, happy payday!


Blogger Kelly Taylor said...

Bles, I would like to say that you are the heart and soul of this blog. Hats off to you, my friend! I haven't laughed this hard in ages. Well, or since your last post.

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