Once More, With Tongue

One's mind is never at rest in Dupont Circle. Seeing as I live and work in the Dupont neighborhood I've seen a lot of things: the guy decked out in his man-pri, mandal, man-purse combo wearing a bright pink baby-t that reads "Plow Boy" (the whole thing just makes me nervous), the overly clueless tourist family and lastly the crazy, (possibly) homeless people.

It appears that the crazies flock to Dupont like college kids to an open bar. Perhaps it's the laid-back demeanor of this neighborhood - the fountain in the middle of Dupont Circle is a virtual Statue of Liberty beckoning your smelly and borderline senile masses. I've become familiar with many of these characters:

1. Fat Reading Man: This guys looks like a cross between Chris Kringle, Peter Jackson (pre gastric bypass) and Wolfman Jack. He barrels down the street with one of his arms swinging like an elephant trunk, practically knocking over children. The other arm fervently holds up a book that he reads while walking. He ALWAYS reads while he walks. Additionally, he only reads really small books (like the tawdry harlequin romance types), which make him seem all the bigger. I've only seen Fat Reading Man from my office window; except for one time when I was at Fudruckers and he walked in (reading). I felt like it was Christmas.

2. Tony AKA "Face": Tony AKA "Face" often hangs in front of the McDonalds on 20th and M streets. He and I are actually buddies. I was going to be a reference for him when he was "applying to work at Ruby Tuesdays." I never got a call from Ruby Tuesdays. The only thing about Face is that he's very loud and often doesn't know when and when not to talk about certain things in public. One time he found me in front of my office building and proceeded to tell me about his lady troubles:

Tony AKA "Face": Yeah, she used to be a ho but I'm like whatever, I like her anyway.

Blesus107: Oh, that's nice of you.

Tony AKA "Face": Yeah, but I haven't seen her in a while

Blesus107: Hello Mr. "Johnson" (CEO of my company)

Tony AKA "Face": But, you know what? f**k that ho, if she wants to sell her ass and act a fool then f**k her!!!

Mr. "Johnson": Blesus107....

PS: Tony AKA "Face" doesn't have teeth and has haphazardly-executed cornrows.

3. Limerick Man: Limerick man is another denizen of Dupont Circle and is often seen aimlessly wandering about asking for cigarettes and the like. The reason why I call him Limerick Man is that he has a penchant for speaking in the way that a medieval minstrel would have. I really want to get him a Mandolin for the holidays. For instance, if Limerick Man wants to bum a cigarette, he doesn't say "You have an extra cigarette?" Rather, he says "Perchance for me a cigarette you have?" I used to oblige him, until I heard a rumor that in reality Limerick man has quite the fortune and the reason why he sticks to this neighborhood is because his attorney works in my building. Is he homeless "by choice?" I didn't believe it until one day, in CVS, I saw him purchase something with a debit card. The homeless don't have checking accounts!

4. Crooked Wig and Jumpsuit Guy: CWJG is the newest addition to the cast. He can be spotted wearing a dingy blue jumpsuit (like the ones worn by mechanics), but to compliment this choice in attire he has slapped on a nappy, crusty and dusty blond wig. He also wears plastic slip-on house shoes. I'm scared of him.

The reason for this rambling is today I stumbled upon a new addition to the cast. While in line at Chipotle I witnessed something truly astounding. As it was after the lunch rush the line was reasonable, but not out the door. Within seconds of entering I could tell that something was not right. A woman was majorly holding up the line. For those in the city who know, holding up the line at Chipotle (especially if there's a major line) is grounds for immediate ridicule and possible revocation of Chipotle rights.

The manager had been pulled over and I heard him yelling "we have steak, chicken and carnitas!" The woman (who was probably in her 60s and was wearing what looked like the original costume worn by Poison Ivy in "Batman & Robin") mumbled something to which the manager repeated (this time, turning around and pointing at the overly simplified Chipotle menu) "We have steak, chicken and carnitas!" This time, the woman again said something and I made sure to listen. To my horror she said "I want tongue." TONGUE!!!!!!!!!!!! I gasped and the manager, practically petting Poison Ivy on the head, said "ma'am, we don't have tongue..."

"Oh" she replied. "Well, make sure I get extra cheese."

Obviously we're dealing with a whole new echelon of Chipotle customer here, but what would make her think that tongue would be on the menu at a McDonalds-owned Mexican eatery?

I would like to introduce you to my newest friend, "Chiptole Tongue Lady."

That is all.
Happy Weekend


Blogger KOB said...

Very entertaining post

3:47 PM  
Blogger JordanBaker said...

I think the real question here is--since when is "extra cheese" a substitute for "tongue"?

7:34 AM  
Blogger Big Sky Girl said...

You're Going to Spokane? Gonzaga, I assume? Too funny, I guess it is a small world after all.

I'm co-chair of the DC of our alumni group. If you want any tips about the "Spoke" let me know. I know some great places to shop, live, eat, etc.

Stop by my blog if you want any assistance.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Kelly Taylor said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:51 AM  
Blogger E :) said...

Have you seen the homeless dude at Dupont who sells flowers and has a really well-rehearsed spiel? When you say that you don't want to buy any he verbally abuses you for a long time.

12:11 PM  
Blogger Blesus107 said...

You know what, I think I know who you're talking about! However, he is not to be confused with "Sleepy Florist" who practically falls off his stool at his post right by the Dupont South metro escalator. He's quite the salesman.

10:14 PM  
Blogger Mari said...

Well some homeless do have a banking account of some kind as some are vets and others recieving checks of some kind from the government.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Kelly Taylor said...

Well, that's a very astute observation, Mari. Its just unfortunate you missed the humor of the entire post.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fat Reading Man: I wish you'd have called him "Fat Man Reading." Also plays up the part about the walking.... Too funny.

One time, this dude was walking and reading and taking up the whole sidewalk, not paying attention. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, get the hell out of my way."

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fat Reading Man: I wish you'd have called him "Fat Man Reading." Also plays up the part about the walking.... Too funny.

One time, this dude was walking and reading and taking up the whole sidewalk, not paying attention. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, get the hell out of my way."

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was damm great. I live off 20 and O and always see these characters. The best are the regulars at the cvs.
Please write more.

2:13 PM  

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