Out of Office Reply: Where is Blesus?

I will be traveling to Mexico on Thursday and will (not) be checking email and will (not) be cell phone accessible. Please contact my (unauthorized and non-existent) assistant for any urgent matters. I will respond to your requests upon my return.

PS: Every time I travel somewhere my parents always have some sort of late breaking news that may or may not (emphasis on "may") damage my destination's reputation. I don't know if this is just their way of contributing to the marketplace of ideas or if they're just jealous I'm going on vacation.

Me: Hey guys, I'm going to Jamaica!

Parents: Ohhh...you know, we just heard this story about some kid who, on his way back from Jamaica, was found with 3 bricks of marijuana that had been placed in his luggage by some stranger...UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM!!!

Me: That is not true. You just made that up.

Parents: He's in jail for the rest of his life.

Me: I have to go...

Parents: Ever see that move "Brokedown Palace?!!"

Me: Hey guys, I'm going to Cancun!

Parents: You know, kids die there.

Me: Hey guys, I'm going to Cabo!

Parents: You know, 60 Minutes just had a special about how Olivia Newton-John's husband ran away to that place and they just found him living in squalor.

Me: Morley Safer is lying.

In reality, 2006's response could have been far worse:

Me: Hey, I'm going to Cabo

Parents: Just as an FYI, we hear they have terrible gypsies down there who throw rotten fish at those who don't bow to their demands to hand over a) a small child b) a piece of salted pork or c) pistachio nuts (unshelled).

*But seriously, can anyone confirm this ludicrous-sounding Olivia Newton-John story? According to 60 Minutes, also known as a televised AARP town hall meeting, Olivia has found her long-lost husband in Cabo. I get the feeling he wasn't "lost." People don't get lost in luxury resort towns.

*I want to go parasailing but I'm afraid that, during takeoff, I may begin running, bust my ass in the sand and end up getting dragged down the coast like in one of those America's Funniest Home Videos clips.

That is all.

I shall return (maybe), surely with some sort of story to tell.



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