Weekend Recap

Moved out of the apartment I shared with Roommate this past weekend. I am now staying with the married friends until I leave DC on Friday. Let me tell you, moving sucks. Its hard and it was hot and we were sweating and I am still so sore I could barely wash my hair this morning. Obviously, Saturday night I thought that instead of recovering from the move by sleeping I should go to The Lounge and get really drunk with Turkish Delight, Blesus, and others. On top of thinking that was a good idea, I also thought it was really smart to take all shots offered to me, even those comprised of brown alcohol. Needless to say, I was not feelng well on Sunday and Married Couple's male half may think I am the world's biggest lush. Its now 100 degrees and humid. Its my first day of "vacation." I'm considering going to the pool for a bit, but am worried that in Code Red weather, I may not come back alive. The other option is the gym. I think I will definitely head to the pool and face death.


Friday Morning Observations

Today is my last day at work. I have next week off and plan on doing nothing more than sleeping in, laying by my friends' pool and *possibly* trying to get to the gym. Usually I am not very observant in the mornings during my commute. This could be for any number of reasons - I'm always still a little sleepy; usually I'm grumpy about the fact that I am actually expected to show up for the job I get paid to do; its humid; my hair is stuck to my face and I'm too focused on pulling it offf. But for whatever reason, I don't usually notice people or the random behavior going on around me. Today, however, I did.

- The first moment that struck me was when I realized that my Washington Post Express guy wasn't at the Eastern Market metro to hand out the papers!! I love this man. Every morning he says "Good morning, gorgeous" and hands me my paper. Starting the day off with a compliment is always so nice, and I'm sad I didn't see Express Man this morning, for my final commute in DC.

- There was a man on the metro who was caucasian, probably mid-40's, slightly pudgy, with a wrinkled suit (though, who can blame him in this weather?) wearing sunglasses and rocking out to 50 Cent on his iPod. It just wasn't what I expected.

- At Federal Triangle, a very good looking, probably mid-30's man got on the metro and walked straight to the doors opposite where he entered and started fixing his blonde McDremy-ish locks. I'm not talking running his hand through his hair. No, he set down his manbag, pulled out a comb, and started going to town on his 'do. It stayed in place pretty well and I was impressed until I noticed that there were several drops of sweat pouring off the ends. McDreamy he was not.

- On the 1/2 block walk from McPherson Square to my building, I encountered two interesting people. One was the guy (boy?), clearly an intern, who was skateboarding down the street on a longboard. Being from California, I am used to seeing people use their skateboards to get around, but I don't know that I've ever seen it in DC. This kid was careening down I Street like he owned the sidewalk and was clearly annoyed when he had to jump quickly off of his board to avoid running into the massive amounts of people crossing the street and walking up onto the sidewalk. Dude, this is DC. Pedestrians stop for no one. We'll run you over if we have to.

- The second interesting moment in the walk down to my building was the woman who was wearing a red evening gown. For a moment, I thought the most logical explanation was she was doing the walk of shame. But then I noticed her nicely styled hair, lack of mascara rings around her eyes, and super cute flats. She was also carrying a tote bag and what was clearly a work ID badge. Did I miss the new trend? Should I be wearing my college formal dresses to work every day?

I have a feeling this is just the start to what is sure to be a very weird last day of work. I have already told the people I work for that I will not be making copies, scanning anything, or answering phones. I plan to make this a leisurely day that will hopefully involve me getting out of the office to do some much-needed shopping at H&M. They're having a sale. Hopefully when I return, I will have some more stories of randomness to share.


"Bush Is My Homeboy"

This post may be a little off-topic for a blog that is mainly about moving to Eastern Washington, law school, and Blesus' antics in various foreign countries and Dupont Circle. But I've been following the story of Maryland Republican Senatorial Candidate Michael Steele's "off the record" comments to a group of journalists on Monday with bizarre fascination. If you've read any of the story - and subsequent articles guessing who made comments like "Just shut up and get something done" (about Congress) or "A monumental failure of government" (about the response to Hurricane Katrina) or "I've got an 'R' here, a scarlet letter" (about running as a Republican in a "blue state") - you know that Steele's got it figured out. Republicans are failures. They failed us in Iraq, they failed us in New Orleans, and they fail us every day with their message of hate and intolerance.

For a moment there, I was really proud of the anonymous candidate who made these comments. Republicans should be criticizing their President (I say "their" because Bush certainly isn't my President. I voted for Jed Bartlett) and their leadership in Congress and their handling of, oh, just about every crisis that has befell our (sometimes) great nation. But then I wondered - why is this candidate speaking off the record? He had already said he didn't want Bush campaigning for him. And let's face it - midterm elections this year are going to be tight. Its not like the Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee is going to pull their financial backing of this candidate or turn around and endorse one of the Democratic candidates!! Say what you think! Go on record! Grow some balls!!

But then today I was even more shocked to see the candidate - who has since been identified as Steele, Maryland's current Lieutenant Governor - completely backpeddle. Apparently, he was "just joking" about his scarlet letter. Even more so, he LOVES President Bush. Bush "is his homeboy!" Now look. We all know 'Ol George isn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but he's not dumb enough to think that you would actually kid around like that - to a group of reporters, no less!!! Or at the very least, Karl pointed out to him that you were, in fact, very serious. But you were kidding? But you are not a sycophant? But you would never criticize the President? Its enough to confuse the leader of the free world. Be kind, Mike. He's slow.

I think what this comes down to for me is that no matter which party we're dealing with, its very rare to find a politician these days who is not afraid to criticize the leadership of their party/The President. Sure, John McCain or Howard Dean may make some outrageous comments here and there and get people fired up for approximately 32 seconds, but they would never actually do anything to jeopardize their role in their respective parties. As a young voter, I want to hear from people who have something to say, rather than just someone who will tow the party line (which, especially coming from Democrats, are getting really boring). I had hope that this anonymous Republican candidate would carry his message of honesty and straight talk through until November, even just to make the race more interesting. But until Mr. Steele gets some balls - or at least a press aide with balls - it looks like this is just going to be another boring midterm race.

UPDATE: It appears that the Washington Post's Marc Fisher agrees with me.


I Heart The District

So, tomorrow is my official going away party. I don't leave town until August 4th, but with summer travel schedules being as hectic as they are, I wanted to make sure we could hold the party at a time when most of my friends are able to attend. Needless to say, the sadness is setting in and its really hard to put into words how difficult its going to be to leave DC and the incredible friends I have here. So I've decided that instead of bitching about the humidity and the metro (again), I'm going to post about what I love about DC. My ode to the district, I guess you could say.

The Metro - I know. This is weird since my last post was complaining about it, right? But the convenience of having public transportation that can take you pretty much anywhere you want to go for $1.65 is pretty nice. When I lived in CA, I hated the traffic. Sometimes the comfort of a car (and its AC) is really nice, but I really prefer to let someone else do the driving. Pick me up, drop me off where I need to be, keep the AC running, let me read my paper in peace, and I'm happy. While I am positive Spokane does not have the traffic issues of the Bay Area, I think I may miss my morning rides to work. It goes without saying, however, that I will not miss the crowds, the tourists, the smelly people, fighting for a seat, people who hate on the iPod or delays. But other than that, I'll miss metro.

The Capitol - For the rest of my days, I will always maintain that working on Capitol Hill was one of the best experiences of my life. Those of you who have worked there can attest to the fact that there is nothing else like it. Its so exciting and fast paced (well, sometimes). I met some really incredible and powerful people, saw some very interesting (read: shady) incidents transpire, and made some really great, lifelong friends. But the best part of working there was walking out of my building (I always worked in Longworth) and seeing the United States Capitol right in front of me. And because I live on Capitol Hill, I see the dome every day when I am walking to and from the metro. Its so amazing to see that beautiful building every day and know that I live in a pretty unique and powerful city.

Surprisingly, Walking - I just don't like the outdoors. We all know the reason - humidity. And bugs. But I love getting up on a Saturday morning and walking down to Eastern Market with Roommate to get a coffee and stock up on goods. Some of my best moments here have been on those walks. I also love being able to walk to shopping at lunch time. The ease of being in a big city and knowing you can get around on foot has been really nice. I'm a little annoyed that in Spokane I may have to drive everywhere.

The People - One only needs to refer to Blesus' earlier post about the people of Dupont Circle to know that DC is filled with some pretty interesting characters. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, there's always someone around that makes me stop and think "Wow. I've never seen THAT before." And I love it. I enjoy my walks from the metro to my building every day and seeing the various people who work around here, watching what they're doing, listening to their conversations, wondering what they're backstory is. There's such an ecclectic mix of people here and I am never disappointed by the cast of characters that pop up all over the city.

My Friends - People may not think a white girl from middle class San Jose, CA would be really into diversity, but I dig it. In all honesty, I didn't have a lot of black or Jewish or gay friends before I moved here and now I have many (no, I am not trying to be that person trying to prove they're not racist by saying "But I have a black friend."). I've loved learning about their culture and backgrounds and families and traditions and lifestyles. I often wonder if I would have friends like this if I had stayed in San Jose after college. Yes, I know Blesus is from Connecticut. But on top of that, I have been incredibly lucky in that I've met many people who I know will be lifelong friends. I don't worry too much about keeping in touch with a lot of my friends here once I move, because I know I will. They have been instrumental in my adult and professional life - as a support system or quasi-family or counselor when needed. Its incredible how much I've changed between 22 (when I moved here) and 26 and there are many people who have been on that journey with me every step of the way. While I will miss them, I know I will see them soon.

It Has To Be Said - My Money - Going in to debt for school has been a huge source of stress for me. While I'm not rolling in the cash, I do make a comfortable amount of money and have become accustomed to certain standards of living. I think I may have to abandon these standards. Gone are the lovely chicken and fresh veggie dinners, replaced by a selection of Top Ramen and Mac N' Cheese. I think I may have to downgrade from the Aveeno face wash, only to replace it with the Walgreens brand. This may also be the time in my life when I purchase Suave shampoo and conditioner. I wonder if my mom can send me some travel-size bottles? Its going to be weird not being able to drop $60 at CVS or $70 on shoes whenever I want. I'm depressed about it. So please, when you see me in two years, don't make fun of me when I am wearing shoes from 2006. Its just not going to be very nice.


Is This The Apocalypse?

If so, I'm heading to the air conditioned bar.

But seriously. I was going to try and resist posting about the humidity b/c I am guessing you're all pretty tired of hearing about it. But this is too much. This is 4 straight days with no break (and I'm sure its been even longer, but I was in CA from last Wed - Mon, so I got a brief reprieve). I can barely breathe. I've sweated out any hydration I had in my body. My hair is in a permanent fro of nastiness. I almost cry when I step out of my house every morning. You can only take so many days of this before it starts to make you crazy.

And the metro. Does anyone else feel like when its super hot and you're standing in the petri dish of sweat that is the metro station and just REALLY want to get on the air conditioned train, they come 9 minutes apart? Hello?? WMATA? Its rush hour and we're dying. Hurry the f*ck up! And of course, the longer you wait for a train, the more people congregate on the platform, making it even warmer and even more difficult to get a seat/room to stand on the train when it actually does arrive. And if you are one of the lucky ones who gets to stand, you are inevitably pressed up against the smelly person who decided he/she needed to smoke a pack of Camel Unfiltered cigarettes on the walk to the metro.

I know that all of this weather can probably be attributed to global warming in some way, but what if it is a sign of the coming of the apocalypse? Do you think Millie and Al's will pump up the AC and let all us anti-christs squat there with their fresh kegs of Bud Light? It might be the only way I will survive.


Wine, White Trash and A Whine

Well, kids, I made it out alive. But just barely. I'm not feeling particularly witty today, so I'm just going to list some highlights and then go take a nap under my desk, George Costanza-style.

1. On my way out to CA, I had a layover in Denver. The Denver - San Jose flight is an easy one, about 2 hours. I had a great seat and was ready to sleep my way to California. Unfortunately, some chick had a freaking panic attack and we had to make an emergency landing in Salt Lake City! And once we landed, she WALKED OFF THE PLANE. Ok, seriously - if you are going to have an entire plane full of people land in a different city than scheduled, your ass better be taken out on a stretcher. And when we found out it was a panic attack due to fear of flying, well. Let's just say people on the plane were not happy as we sat on the runway for another hour. Take a Xanax, lady.

2. Saw some friends from high school on Thursday night. Love these ladies, they are so much fun and I'm so happy we've stayed friends. One of them has a *ahem* spending problem and the climax of the night was when she detailed her massive debt and as a result we cut up her White Nordstroms credit card - the day before the Anniversary Sale. Then we drove to a bar in her brand new 2006 Lexus.

3. Upon arrival in Napa for the bachelorette party, we realized that we of course needed to kick the weekend off with a bottle of champagne.....and then some Pinot Noir......and then some red bull/vodka. It was no surprise when one of my friends fell off of a stationary stool at the bar of the restaurant where we had dinner and when she landed on the stone tiled floor, looked up at us and said "This feels just like a pillow." It took three men to get her drunk a** up off the ground.

4. Men will do anything to get attention from a group of 11 lovely ladies. One guy took his boxers off for the bride. Another guy serenaded her with "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling." And yet another did the Running Man, despite not actually knowing what it was or how to do it. Here's a picture to illustrate the ridiculousness of this man:

We all realized that Joe wasn't the man for us when he asked if we wanted to "walk across the highway" with him and "sing some karaoke at the LampLighter." Sorry, Joe - I don't cross the freeway to get to any bar.

5. The same night that we had the good fortune to meet Joe, we also met a man who is a dentist and is apparently very unhappy with his marriage b/c he spent the entire night looking down one of the girl's tops and trying to practically lick her face. The eventual presence of his wife - who insisted on taking dozens of pictures of our group - didn't deter him one bit. The night ended with them in a screaming fight and him trying to leave the bar but being too drunk to actually push the door open. One of my friends had to help him.

6. My mom travels a lot for work. Every time I go home, there are little bottles of shampoo and conditioner from hotels where she's stayed in my shower. And I guess I just want to know why my mom can't actually put a full bottle of shampoo and conditioner in the shower for me. I know I am only home like once every 7 months, but come on! You can't expect me to subsist on sample-sized bottles of bad hair treatment! And what's worse - they didn't have any open wine sitting around the house to compensate!!!


Who Are You?

Blesus and I have been discussing the murder of a British man and the attempted rape of his female companion in DC this past weekend. Specifically, the crime took place in Georgetown. We know a lot of people have been posting about the murder and the subsequent declaration of a "Crime Emergency" here in the District, and we just felt we needed to weigh in. Not necessarily about the actual murder - which is tragic and awful - but about the debate that is now raging on about why this happened, the DC Police Department's reaction, and the inevitable question of "why don't the police react this way when [insert non-caucasian race here] people are murdered in [insert non-Northwest quadrant of DC area here]?"

DC Blogs and Why.I.Hate.DC. have both brought our attention to some astoundingly ridiculous comments that were made on DCist in regards to this horrible event and the fallout within the District. There are several gems, but I would like to call your attention to this one, because its not to be missed:

"It's pretty clear that crime in this city is out of control again. Its not so much the numbers, but the fact that the underclass has raised a generation that kills for fun, rather than profit. I recall an effort a few years ago to pay poor women to be sterilized. This sounds like the only long term solution to turn around DC."

This assinine comment begs the question - WHO ARE YOU? As Blesus and I were discussing, its almost impossible to decide which is worse - that someone was murdered in cold blood or that this commenter thinks that sterilizing women is the answer to the crime problem here and, presumably, in other cities around the country. Its so sad that (again, presumably) educated people can make such intolerant and uneducated comments. Blesus and I are in agreement that the commenter probably learned those ideas from his/her family/parents and its funny to us that this commenter seems to think that sterilizing underprivleged women is the answer to this disgusting crime, yet its ok for him/her to be spread their message of intolerance and incompetence.

While the commenter on DCist is clearly a complete idiot, the Gold Medal for Dumbest Comment Ever goes to Inspector Andy Solberg for telling the crowd at a Georgetown church community meeting "to report suspicious-looking people to police when they see them in the neighborhood." He talked about the suspects in the Senitt killing and described one as a "chubby, stocky guy" and one as a 15-year-old. He said at 2 a.m. they "are going to stand out" in the area. "They were black," Solberg said. "This is not a racial thing to say that black people are unusual in Georgetown. This is a fact of life."

Ok, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's racist. To quote Blesus: "Solberg tried to backpeddle and say that it wasn't meant to be racial but the fact is there aren't a lot a black poeple in g-town - which means that if you DO see a black person in g-town at night he/she may or may not kill you." Yeah, so run for your life if you see a black person. I hear they're all dangerous. Every single one of them.

We're concerned about a few items here - 1)How did this man ever even make it out of the police academy?; 2)Who gave him a microphone?; 3)Did anyone recognize before he made these comments that he's a complete moron?; 4)Is this the mindset of everyone else working in the DC Police Department?

But what this mainly comes down to for Blesus and me is that we don't understand why all of a sudden the city is in a "Crime Emergency." Because a white person was killed? Hello, DC Police Department? There are people killed in this city every day and I doubt we hear about half of those murders.* While we're sad for the family of Alan Senitt and think the whole story is tragic, his life meant no more than all the other people who are killed in DC every year, white or black or yellow or green or blue. Its disheartening to see that in a city that certainly defines the term "mixing bowl," the people in charge really only seem to care about one race.

*Before someone sends us hate mail, we do realize that there have been 13 murders in DC since July 1 and that they are all receiving coverage due to this "Crime Emergency" situation. However, I think we can all agree that if it weren't for the murder of Alan Senitt, this may not have become the serious matter that it has.


Out of Office Reply: What Happened To Kelly?

Tomorrow I will be traveling back to California, for the bachelorette party of a good friend who is getting married in August. As a member of the bridal party, I am not only required to attend this wine tasting weekend in the Napa Valley, but I also planned the entire event. I was happy to do so, and am excited about getting to spend some time with my CA girls, but I also fear for my life.

Historically, when traveling anywhere with this specific group of friends, the only guaranteed outcomes are excessive drinking and subsequent debauchery and humiliating pictures. To give you a sense of how out of control it gets, here are some highlights from recent trips:

Lake Tahoe Bachelorette Weekend 2002: When one of the girls included in this Napa extravaganza got married in 2002, we spent a girls' weekend in Tahoe to celebrate her last weekend of freedom. For those of you who have had the opportunity to visit Tahoe, you know that the bar/club scene on the hotel strip is limited. We found a place we liked - don't even ask me to remember the name - and proceeded to party like it was our last day on earth. This not only included several rounds of shots of strong alcohol, but also oxygen shots, which I am sure contributed to us being inside the club until the sun came up. There may or may not have also been an incident where a certain friend (possibly the bride that we will be celebrating this weekend in Napa) flashed the entire club with her mighty breasts. And I mean mighty. This night of debauchery was followed by me *ahem* releasing the previous night's *ahem* nutrients all the way up a large mountain on our way to go ATV riding, throughout the entire ATV ride, and all the way back to the hotel. Let me tell you, you've never had a real hangover until your friend has pulled her large SUV over on the side of a one lane highway on a twisty, steep road so that you can vomit off of a cliff overlooking at 200 foot drop.

Vegas 2004: I made this trek with 3 of the girls who will be accompanying me this weekend to Napa. Upon our arrival in Sin City, we visited a locale that may also be known as a "Male Dance Revue." While my Best Party Friend and I were hesitant about this adventure at first, the end of the night found us sitting along the edges of the stage, sunglasses on, cigarettes in one hand, cocktails in another, trying to tip the dancers with dollar bills that we held in our mouths. The next morning, when Best Party Friend couldn't find her room key, the only appropriate thing I could think to say was "Maybe you left it in some stripper's G-String," which obviously became the quote of the weekend. We then spent the entire day laying on the side of the Hard Rock Hotel pool, trying not to vomit on everyone who swam by.

Vegas 2005: This trip included Best Party Friend and two close friends from college. I don't really even know where to start with this one, so I'll throw out a few key phrases: VIP all weekend; $1000 craps winnings; Pro-football players at Light; red bull and vodka IV; swingers; hiding from room service in massive bathroom; 7pm wake up call; High Price Call Girl; death by vodka. I'm sure there were some great quotes from the weekend and that some fun stuff happened, but between the woman at the VIP tables whose only job was to refill my drink and the extreme lack of sleep and massive hangovers, I can't really remember much. And the photos didn't really jog my memory.

So as you can see, I have a long history with these women. We tend to get overly intoxicated, take incriminating pictures, and then suffer the consequences of prematurely destroying our livers for days after the event is over. I'm hoping that since we've all grown up a little and learned how to handle our alcohol, this will not happen this weekend. As one friend said to me, "yeah, right," but I like to remain hopeful. However, if I do not get off of United Flight #624 at National Airport on Monday evening, you may want to send a search party into one of the vineyards of Napa Valley. I'm sure someone will find me face down in the dirt there, but still dressed to the nines with wine glass in hand.


Toilet Money

So there's this guy in my office who repeatedly counts his money while on the toilet. I know this sounds a bit bizarre and I feel odd sharing this; however, I'm not lying. Every time he and I are in the restroom at the same time, he goes into the stall and I, within seconds, hear flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick. I can even hear the sound of a rubber band being taken off what easily could be a wad of bills! I didn't want to jump to conclusions because I don't KNOW that it's money he's counting, but in reality I DO! We all know what money being manipulated in one's hands sounds like. I mean, it's not like this guy is going through files or playing solitaire or tallying coupons while taking care of business. He's CLEARLY counting money and I hate to judge, but I find it weird. Additionally, I''ve heard grumblings around the office that this person "supplements his income" with illegal substances, which could explain the over-abundance of "flicks". I mean, if I were counting cash on the toilet it would sound more like flick, flick, flick... *insert sound of me counting change*. But, as I said earlier, he's more like flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick, flick and it goes on for another minute. Granted, he could be a stripper at night and these could all be singles, but there's more of a chance that Steve Martin is my real father. Plus, it's way more interesting to believe he's some hustler who moonlights by day in an office and secretly slings crack at night just to maintain the luxurious lifestyle he become accustomed to, right?

However, the fact of the matter is: don't count your money on the toilet at work. It's weird and makes those who share the same space uncomfortable.

ps: can I borrow $20?


Blesus Birthday Season 2006 Comes to a Close

Last night marked the end of the Blesus Birthday Season. Normally my birthday is just that, a day. However, for some reason this year I've managed the milk the anniversary of my adventure through the birth canal for about a week and a half! It's great. I suggest everyone try and hustle all that they can before, during, and after your birthday. You'd be surprised how far you can get.

To update:

We All Don't Look Alike - At the local watering hole (The Big Hunt) I experienced a case of mistaken identity when a friend of a co-worker, who I had met before, sat down at our table and called me by the name of one of the other black guys in our office. When I replied with my real name, he said "oh sorry man, but you really do look like him." No I don't. This happens to me often. I usually have a good internal laugh about it especially if the person I'm being mistaken for looks NOTHING like me. Things like dreadlocks, at least 2 shades skin color difference, an accent or a prosthetic limb all fall under this general category. This guy ended up being one of the biggest losers of the evening though, sans stupid comment. His obnoxious screaming of borderline offensive things in the middle of conversations and just all-around poor socialization quickly brought him to the top of my thumbs down list. Later that night, while walking home from Townhouse with the guy who Thumbs Down Guy had originally mistaken me for, the guy says "there's just a lot of fags and white people around here." To which I replied, "so have you never been in a city before?" "yeah," he says "but I'm from Maryland." I wanted to punch him in the face. Firstly, I was blown away by the use of the f-bomb. Secondly, we're on 17th street in Dupont Circle! There happens to be a lot a rich white people and gay men. Get over yourself and go back to New Carrolton or wherever the hell you live. That's why I don't do borough. I was mistaken for this guy!!!?? Booooooo.

There's No Reason to Steal Food From Your Friends (Especially At a BBQ Where Everyone's Openly Eating the Same Food You're Covertly Stealing-) While at a daytime kegger *hangs head in shame*Kelly and I take a break from getting our asses handed to us in beer pong *hangs head again* by a girl named Ginger and her sailor boyfriend who apparently haven't seen each other in a while because they are practically pantomiming things out of the Kama Sutra on the other side of the table. I'm sure this had something to do with Kelly's and my lackluster performance. While everyone's outside we head straight to the kitchen to see what food scraps we can pilfer. The whole place is dry except a bowl of vegetables in Italian dressing, which we inhale as if we just hiked the Appalachian Trail. While I stuff green peppers and tomatoes into my mouth I make sure to keep an ear open for intruders/people who might catch us eating like street kids. I hear a door open and I immediately stretch myself across the kitchen to illustrate the fact that NOTHING is going on here except nothing. Someone peeks into the kitchen, sees me casually resting against the counter-vegetable medley crunching in my mouth-, and sees Kelly immediately behind me. Kelly apparently had not taken immediate heed to my body language because she's standing frozen over the bowl with a mouth full of vegetable medley and a guilty look on her face. I say a muffle hello which comes out more like "hewo," to which the person replies "steeeaaaling food. Nice." and walks away.

Don't Mess With Someone Else's iPod Because the iPod God Might Just Strike You Down- At said party, as with any reasonably good party, the tunes were bumping. A little Jay-z, Rolling Stones, and even Hughey Lewis and the News (the sailor put that shit on) makes any drinking event all the better. Except if you're Kelly, who at one point, tried to commandeer the iPod and set forth her own personal agenda. As we were getting ready to make our exit from the beer pong table (aka the ass whoopin' table) Kelly tried to stick it to the party one final time and pressed fast forward on the iPod as we walked by to leave. She tried to be slick about it and do the whole drive-by thing, but the cosmos had other things planned for her. What she didn't keep in mind as she committed this faux pas, was that the stairs leading up to the patio were right in front of her. This miscalculation lead to Kelly falling up the stairs directly onto her face. I laughed (of course) and as I stood over her all I said was a slow "that's what you get."

Northern Virginia: Where Inconvenience Goes to Die-On the 4th I had to go out to Virginia to a former coworker and friend's house party. At the time I didn't really think I had it in me because the day before was my actual birthday and we all threw down pretty hard to celebrate. However, I took a handful of Motrin, pulled myself together and departed my apartment to catch the subway. As I was walking I noticed the ominous dark clouds beginning to form. I could tell immediately that mother nature was going to tear DC up with one of her patented "Let Me Screw Up Your Plans for a Hot Minute" thunder storms, which have been quite commonplace this year. I made sure to pick up the pace so I didn't get rained on. By the time I came out of the subway in Ballston it looked like a tidal wave had hit Arlington. Rain-soaked streets, branches in the street, fire trucks and even a tipped over hot dog cart! Yes, apparently the gusty winds fully tipped over this rather large hot dog cart while the hot dog guy was still inside! It wasn't one of the normal little hot dog carts that you see, it was a full food and knick nack-selling fortress. Needless to say, a crowd had formed at this point and ambulances, fire trucks, police and I'm sure some knock-off journalist from the local community paper had additionally showed up to make sure peace was restored. Once you see 8 fire fighters try to heave a blown-over hot dog stand off its side you thank God you work in an office (I think I hugged my stapler when I got in on Wednesday). I was just pissed because all the blocked-off space from the fire trucks made it nearly impossible to find a cab. When I did finally get a cab and showed up to the party there was no electricity and it was hot as hell. Jesus Christ, who built this place, some colonial urban planning reject!? You sneeze over there and the place is practically in ruins! Always a pleasure Northern Virginia, always a pleasure.

Happy Monday (Not Really)- I thought that this lady might help us all usher in our respective Mondays. May we all one day have the thirst for life that this lady clearly has. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you Reverend Alecia.

That is all.


4th of July Weekend Recap

As I said in the last post, I apologize for Blesus and I being dead all week in the blogosphere. However, after you hear about the weekend we had, I am hoping you will understand.

Friday: Kicked the weekend of right - with dinner and a movie with Turkish Delight and one of her delightful friends. Of course we were like every other woman on the planet who likes fashion/hates bitchy ice queens/yearns for Vincent Chase and went to see The Devil Wears Prada. It was good, but not completely true to the book. That disappointed me because I had really sympathized with the book, since at one point in my "career" I did work for a woman with less of a soul than the book version of Miranda Priestly. But it had great clothes, a great soundtrack, Vincent Chase was hot, and Meryl Streep can do no wrong in my eyes. And I was home by 11 and could get a good night's sleep to save up for the rest of the weekend's activities.

Saturday: Got the call late Friday night at Naval Officer was coming in to town with his new ladyfriend, and The Slacker would be having a bbq at his place to commemorate this event. Spread the word quickly to Turkish Delight and Blesus, and we planned a 4pm rendevouz at the Slacker's house. Upon arrival at the bbq, we discover a few things: 1)Lots of beer; 2)Not lots of people; 3)Our on-and-off good friend Brown; 4)Naval Officer's ladyfriend could possibly be Beirut Champion of the World and schooled all of us. You know what that means - lots of beer consumed in not a lot of time.

Following a disjointed game of Flip Cup (my favorite, but I couldn't quite sort myself out enough to play well), we decided to make the loooooong trek (so 2 blocks) to Millie and Al's. Its a little fuzzy, but here's what I remember from that adventure:
- We lost Naval Officer before we even left the house. He never made it to the bar. Feel free to draw your own conclusions from that.
- The Slacker's girlfriend bought me and Turkish Delight a pitcher that we carried around like it was a safety blanket. We would not let go of that sucker for anything. Yet, we were too drunk to really drink it.
- I spotted a cute boy standing near us and pointed him out to Turkish Delight. Next thing I know, I have some random girl and her boyfriend and this guy who I swear could be Turtle on Entourage and Turkish Delight telling me I need to go hit on him. The girl is playing with my hair, her boyfriend is telling me I'm cute and the Turtle-esque guy didn't really bring anything to the table other than to creep us all out.
-Turtle-esque guy made a reappearance to tell me his friend wanted to meet me. This, of course, incited a lot of "What are we, in 8th grade" comments from me and Turkish Delight, but I eventually relented and went to talk to him. It was underwhelming (except for his Secret Service badge - something about that is so attractive) and the highlight was Brown, Blesus, The Slacker and a few other male friends executing "rescue operations" to get me away from him. My favorite was the Blesus "Swoop In/Swoop Out" to make sure I was ok every 32 seconds. He's so sly, that one.
- I got invited to make some choices on the jukebox by Brown but then all my selections got vetoed. Seriously, who doesn't like to hear Madonna's "Holiday" and The Darkness' "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" and Prince's "Kiss" when at the bar?????
- The night came to a close when Turkish Delight and I were sitting on empty kegs in the bar and could barely stay awake. We made a stop at Pizza Bolis, but not before we got cornered by Turtle-esque guy and his 8th grade friend. What part of "I walked away from the conversation mid-sentence so I'm clearly not interested" didn't they understand?

Sunday: Surprisingly, I was feeling good when I got up. At 1pm. Wandered around my apartment a little bit and then headed to Hedwig's apartment for a cocktail hour with the gays. Was super fun, always so good to see Hedwig and his boyfriend, AI. And as always, I had 4 more cocktails than I intended. And I mixed. But how good does all of this sound: 2 pina coladas, 2 glasses of Rose, and a beer? I needed to sample all the goods.

Afterwards, headed to Turkish Delight's friend's apartment for Martini Night. Now, this moniker is slightly misleading, because you would think we would be drinking martinis all night, correct? In actuality, we consumed 2 1-litre bottles of wine before we even put a dent in the martini fixings. Our friend Derek (as in Zoolander) came over to play bartender, despite his own severe hangover from the night before (which had included a stop-by at The Slacker's). He made some great martinis, so we all had a few. At this point, we were pretty drunk, but determined to make it out to a bar because we didn't have to work on Monday and for the love of god, we were going to make the most of it!!!! Derek, of course, bailed, but we gave him a pass b/c he was pretty green. We were slightly disappointed to see a return to Millie and Al's was out of the question (what reputable bar closes at midnight on a SUNDAY??? People, please), so we headed to The Reef. Then we had the beer that I think put me, Turkish Delight and Blesus over the edge. We didn't need that beer. Our livers were resisting. But we drank them anyways. And then somehow I got home. Parentals, sorry that I forgot how I got home, but its normal and I'm alive, so we have no reason to be worried.

Monday AKA The Anniversary of Blesus' Birth: Here's where the weekend really took a turn for the worse.

I tried to be productive. I went to UHaul and got some boxes for my move. I cleaned a little. I did some laundry. But hanging over my head all day was that ominous event, Blesus' birthday party. I love Blesus. I love parties. But I was feeling tired and I was feeling unmotivated to be my usual charming self. Turkish Delight and delayed our arrival a little, making an appearance about 3 hours after the party started. I think this is the place where I should note that all weekend it was so hot that I think everyone in the greater DC metropolitan area lost AT LEAST 7 pounds just by sweating. It was ridiculous. Anyways, we arrived at the party just in time to make a few discoveries:
1)Blesus was already well on his way to a Day After The Birthday Hangover
2)A friend of Turkish Delight's from high school was there and wearing a sweatband (as we've addressed in this blog before, what is that about???? It doesn't matter that its hot, it looks dumb)
3)It was still really hot and physically impossible to stand outside. Sooo......

Turkish Delight and I staked out a prime spot indoors, near the AC AND the fan. We let people come to us, usually bringing gifts of beer and more beer and an occasional shot. Of course, we gratefully accepted these gifts. And this was the perfect spot, b/c not only did we get to meet/judge everyone who walked in and out of the house, but we also got to watch last year's Hot Dog Eating Championship. But we knew we couldn't remain this lazy all night, so when the sun finally set, we decided it was time to be social. So what did we do? We organized a wiffle ball game outside.

Not much to note there, other than that the guys were AWFUL at it and the girls schooled them. And then some girl dumped powder and beer on another girl and I ran away because I hate physical confrontation. It scares me and so did these girls. I don't understand throwing icky substances on other people that would ruin their cute outfits. Its just mean.

Party wrapped up and High School Friend drove (parents, again, we were responsible here and he was semi-sober driver. And we only went 6 blocks) us to Nolan's. That was fairly uneventful, except we did meet some REALLY friendly interns from Arkansas. Remember when you were an intern and you were really excited to be here and be getting into the bars illegally and meeting cute and older men/women? Oh, to be so innocent and without cynicism.

Made the move from Nolan's to Adams Mill. There were many vodka drinks consumed and we took over one end of the bar and made it Blesus' Birthday Dance Floor. Seriously, everyone in the bar wanted to be our group b/c we were having so much fun. I love when people have bar envy. Except when I have it, and then its not so fun. Bar closed and we all headed out to various destinations. Turkish Delight and I really wanted some falafel; however, it was closed. Someone needs to talk with the business owners of 18th Street about closing their establishments on holiday weekends. Its just bad for business. We left Blesus, who went back to where the bbq had been held, and we walked home.

The only way to sum up the night is to tell you about the voicemail I had on my phone when I woke up the next morning, from Blesus. "Kelly, its Blesus. I hope you are not dead. That is all."

Happy Independence Day!!


Can't You Hold It?

Sorry that Blesus and I have been incommunicado for a few days. We had a rough weekend and are hoping to recap it soon for you all, but we still can't really think clearly through the haze of vodka, gin, wine and beer that has been settled over us for almost a week now.

But I had to drop by with this quick story. I was walking back from lunch to my office that is 2 blocks from the White House (ie the Center of the Universe) and a homeless man was peeing on one of the columns on the outside the building!!! I mean, I know sometimes you just gotta go, but couldn't he have just run across the street and peed in the park? Its not ideal, but probably a little more dignified than urinating on a column in front of a building with large windows and a lot of people walking by.

Then I walked into the building and was assaulted with an overpowering smell of Lysol Lemon Fresh Scent. Do we think the homeless man also peed INSIDE my building???

I bet this soooooooo does not happen in SpoKompton........