Out of Office Reply: What Happened To Kelly?

Tomorrow I will be traveling back to California, for the bachelorette party of a good friend who is getting married in August. As a member of the bridal party, I am not only required to attend this wine tasting weekend in the Napa Valley, but I also planned the entire event. I was happy to do so, and am excited about getting to spend some time with my CA girls, but I also fear for my life.

Historically, when traveling anywhere with this specific group of friends, the only guaranteed outcomes are excessive drinking and subsequent debauchery and humiliating pictures. To give you a sense of how out of control it gets, here are some highlights from recent trips:

Lake Tahoe Bachelorette Weekend 2002: When one of the girls included in this Napa extravaganza got married in 2002, we spent a girls' weekend in Tahoe to celebrate her last weekend of freedom. For those of you who have had the opportunity to visit Tahoe, you know that the bar/club scene on the hotel strip is limited. We found a place we liked - don't even ask me to remember the name - and proceeded to party like it was our last day on earth. This not only included several rounds of shots of strong alcohol, but also oxygen shots, which I am sure contributed to us being inside the club until the sun came up. There may or may not have also been an incident where a certain friend (possibly the bride that we will be celebrating this weekend in Napa) flashed the entire club with her mighty breasts. And I mean mighty. This night of debauchery was followed by me *ahem* releasing the previous night's *ahem* nutrients all the way up a large mountain on our way to go ATV riding, throughout the entire ATV ride, and all the way back to the hotel. Let me tell you, you've never had a real hangover until your friend has pulled her large SUV over on the side of a one lane highway on a twisty, steep road so that you can vomit off of a cliff overlooking at 200 foot drop.

Vegas 2004: I made this trek with 3 of the girls who will be accompanying me this weekend to Napa. Upon our arrival in Sin City, we visited a locale that may also be known as a "Male Dance Revue." While my Best Party Friend and I were hesitant about this adventure at first, the end of the night found us sitting along the edges of the stage, sunglasses on, cigarettes in one hand, cocktails in another, trying to tip the dancers with dollar bills that we held in our mouths. The next morning, when Best Party Friend couldn't find her room key, the only appropriate thing I could think to say was "Maybe you left it in some stripper's G-String," which obviously became the quote of the weekend. We then spent the entire day laying on the side of the Hard Rock Hotel pool, trying not to vomit on everyone who swam by.

Vegas 2005: This trip included Best Party Friend and two close friends from college. I don't really even know where to start with this one, so I'll throw out a few key phrases: VIP all weekend; $1000 craps winnings; Pro-football players at Light; red bull and vodka IV; swingers; hiding from room service in massive bathroom; 7pm wake up call; High Price Call Girl; death by vodka. I'm sure there were some great quotes from the weekend and that some fun stuff happened, but between the woman at the VIP tables whose only job was to refill my drink and the extreme lack of sleep and massive hangovers, I can't really remember much. And the photos didn't really jog my memory.

So as you can see, I have a long history with these women. We tend to get overly intoxicated, take incriminating pictures, and then suffer the consequences of prematurely destroying our livers for days after the event is over. I'm hoping that since we've all grown up a little and learned how to handle our alcohol, this will not happen this weekend. As one friend said to me, "yeah, right," but I like to remain hopeful. However, if I do not get off of United Flight #624 at National Airport on Monday evening, you may want to send a search party into one of the vineyards of Napa Valley. I'm sure someone will find me face down in the dirt there, but still dressed to the nines with wine glass in hand.


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